Impulsivity and Good Works

I am beginning this with this photo because it is symbolic of how our hearts and mouths can get us into predicaments that are challenging. I am in an on-going discussion with Ellen about finishing projects. She admires me because I seem to be able to finish things and she finds that difficult for herself. I believe that I am an unreliable person that cannot be counted on to do what I say I will do. Because of that I hesitate to "sign up". At least that is what I think. I have a penchant for offering help and then becoming bogged-down in the execution.

My most recent example is offering to make covers for kneelers for the Chapel at the R-Ranch. The R-Ranch is a form of intentional community we have chosen for recreation and relaxation. The problem is that it offers me precious little relaxation. I have some skills and talents and even vision that others often lack. I think that is due to my environment, my experiences and the fact that I was reared with the rule "Can't never could do anything." So, in addition to making the rather rustic looking cushions for the Chapel I offered to also make a cover to be used at weddings. It is a lovely place for a smallish ceremony, seating only about 60-75 people. I could not imagine having a ceremony there with a kneeler at the altar rail that was covered with neutral and brown, woodsy colored fabric.

I shopped for fabric last weekend and found a nice white satin to cover a 66" X 10.5" foam cushion. I found that the piece I bought was not quite long enough and needed some "fiddling with." It has to be removable so it can be stored. That meant that at least one of the other covers has to be removable as well. And, to make them match, they all have to be removable. So that meant zippers. Zippers come in various lengths, and the nearest length I found was 72". See the problem? This is "growing like Topsy" as I used to hear my mother say. It is like taking one of those tiny little dried, compressed sponges that you drop in the tub with your kids and they swell into a 5 foot long fish that throws the kids out of the tub.

Last night I decided that I could sew a few more inches on the machine instead of doing the finishing touches by hand. I was going to be able to make the satin cover removable after all (that had been in doubt because of the length of the zipper). I put it aside until this morning. I felt good - like I was not in over my head. I went to bed, slept well and got up ready to do it right after cereal and coffee. It began to go well, but I kept going back over work I had done by hand, extending the amount of work I had intended to do. It is called perfectionism and not knowing when to stop, another thing of which I have been accused. Just go over this last little part to fasten it down - and BAM - the result in the picture! My machine is a slant needle model, not a curved needle model. I hit the damn zipper. I want to quit.

My discussion with Ellen has included her desire to write and not being able to finish, and my approach to writing. I have a topic. I start. I review. I try to limit it to the topic at hand and not digress. I check my spelling. This is a perfect example. This bent needle is characteristic of the things I run into that could make me quit-the topic. I have made a commitment to others, however, so am going to have to stick with it. Rather, I have made a commitment to myself-the real issue and body of the story. That is something else she has taught me. I don't do it for others. I do it for myself. To feel satisfaction about finishing what I have started. I have to go upstairs and get another needle. I have to get out of this chair and go upstairs and get another needle. I have to. I want to.